Digital Annotation of Dale Carnegie How to Win Friends and Influence People
Dale Carnegie believe that financial success = 15% of professional knowledge + 85% communication skill and ability to lead people.
Carnegie wrote this book after plenty of experiences, interviews, and biographic books he read.
"The great aim of education is not knowledge but action," said Herbert Spencer.
We learn by doing. If you desire to master the principles you are studying in this book, do something about them. Apply these rules at every opportunity. If you don't, you will forget them quickly.
PART ONE: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
1. "If you want to gather honey, don't kick over the beehive"
(Bad) Criticism could wounds and hurts a person.
Criticism also like homing pigeons, they always return home.
Especially: "Don't complain about the snow on your neighbor's roof when your own doorstep is unclean," said Confucius.
When dealing with people, let's remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
Criticism could make people to commit suicide.
It takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.
Instead of condemning people, let's try to understand them. Let's try to figure out why the do what they do.
PRINCIPLE 1: Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.
2. The big secret of dealing with people
Out of anything that somebody wants, Carnegie said that everybody has a desire to be important.
Sincere appreciation and encouragement were the secrets in handling people. If there were not any appreciation and encouragement, people would run away.
The same cases goes to family or friends. People often take their family or friends so much for granted.
Appreciation could change a person's life. Appreciation can build confidence.
Give honest, sincere appreciation, not flattery, and people will cherish your words.
PRINCIPLE 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. "He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way."
Arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.
People interest in what their want. Like, if you wanted a fish, you bait them using worms.
So, to influence people is to talk about what they want, and show them how to get it.
For example, you don't want ur children to smoke, don't preach at them, and don't talk about what u want; but show them that cigarettes may keep them from making the basketball team or winning the hundred-yard dash.
How to make a kid want to go to kindergarten or school, is to show them what they can get in kindergarten or school, something that they'd love to have.
Try to see from somebody's POV when u want to influence them, and tell them what they can get.
Carnegie also gave an example of how to make a kid eat breakfast, and the answer is to let that kid make his/her own breakfast food.
Instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir idea themselves, so they will then regard it as their own.
PRINCIPLE 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.
PART TWO: Ways to Make People Like You
1. Do this and you'll be welcome anywhere
Pets make their living by giving nothing but love, yet so many ppl still interested to have them as companion.
You can make (more) friends by trying to get other ppl interested in you.
Yes, ppl are interested in themselves. They are tend to use the personal pronoun "I" "I" "I" while speaking. When u see a group of photograph that u're in, whose pic do u look for first?
If we want to make friends, let's put ourselves out to do things for other ppl (time/energy). Take their heart. Example: learn their language.
When somebody called u on telephone, say "Hello" in tone that sounded how pleased you are to have the person called. Show your interest and enthusiasm and the caller feels you concern about him/her.
Showing a genuine interest in other not only win friends for u, but may develop in its customers a loyalty to your company.
PRINCIPLE 1: Become genuinely interested in other ppl.
2. A simple way to make a good first impression
Professor James V. McConnell, a psychologist at the Univ. of Michigan, expressed his feeling about a smile, "Ppl who smile, tend to manage, teach, and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children."
Your "smile" also could come through in your voice, the tone of your voice.
You don't feel like smiling? Force urself to smile. If u are alone, force urself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if u were already happy, and that will tend to make u happy. Here is the way the psychologist and philosopher William James put it:
"Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not. Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there...."
Everybody in this world is seeking happiness, and there is one sure way to find it: by controlling ur thoughts. Happiness doesn't depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.
Smile costs nothing, but created much. It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give. It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.
PRINCIPLE 2: Smile.
3. If you don't do this, you are headed for trouble
One simplest, most obvious, and most important ways of gaining good will is by remembering names and making people feel important.
Dale Carnegie gave many examples cases, and I know that even President Franklin D. Roosevelt do remember a mechanic's name and call him by his name.
PRINCIPLE 3: Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound any language.
4. An easy way to become a good conversationalist
Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to u is very important, in other word, be a good listener.
Listening is not mere silence, but a form of activity. Show the speaker that u are really listening, that u are interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering.
PRINCIPLE 4: Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. How to interest people
Find out what people's (ur object) interested in, what caught their enthusiasm, what they enjoyed talking about. Talk about it.
PRINCIPLE 5: Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
6. How to make people like you instantly
Do unto others as u would have others do unto u.
Little phrases such as "I'm sorry to trouble u," "Would u be so kind as to___?" "Won't u please?" "Would u mind?" "Thank you" are the hallmark of good breeding.
Better to talk to people about themselves, and make them fell important. Of course, do it sincerely.
PRINCIPLE 6: Make the other feel important and do it sincerely.
PART THREE: How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
1. You can't win an argument
You can't win an argument, because, if u lose it, you lose it; and if u win it, u lose it. Why? Well, suppose u triumph over the other man and shoot his argument full of holes and prove that he is non compos mentis. Then, u will feel fine. But u have made him feel inferior. U have hurt his pride. He will resent ur triumph. And: A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.
Be careful! Our first natural reaction in disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Keep calm and watch out for ur first reaction. It may be u at ur worst. Control ur temper.
Listen first. Give ur opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish.
Defend or debate only raises barriers. Instead, try to build bridges of understanding, and see the other's viewpoint.
Look for areas of agreement. When u have heard ur opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which u agree.
Be honest. Look for areas where u can admit error and say so. Apologize for ur mistakes. It will help disarm ur opponents and reduce defensiveness.
Thank ur opponents for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with u is interested in the same things u are. Think of them as people who really want to help u, and u may turn ur opponents into friends.
You can postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Ask urself: Is my reaction one that will relieve the problem, or will it just relieve any frustration? Will my reaction drive my opponents further away or draw them closer to me? Will my reaction elevate the estimation good ppl have of me? What price will I have to pay if I win? Is this difficult situation an opportunity form me?
Opera tenor Jan Peerce, after he was married nearly 50 years, once said: "My wife and I made a pact a long time ago, and we've kept it no matter how angry we've grown with each other. When one yells, the other should listen—because when two ppl yell, there is no communication, just noise and bad vibrations."
PRINCIPLE 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2. A sure way of making enemies—and how to avoid it
You can tell ppl they are wrong by a look or gesture just as eloquently as u can in words. But, do u make them want to agree with u? Not sure.
It's bad to announcing "I am going t prove so-and-so to u." That's tantamount to saying: "I'm smarter than u are, and I'm going to tell u a thing or two and make u change ur mind."
It could arouse opposition and makes the listener want to battle with u, let alone change their mind.
Remember, some (or most?) of ppl are with pride.
If u are going to prove anything, don't let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that u are doing it.
Over 300 years ago, Galileo said: You cannot teach a man anything; u can only help him to find it within himself.
As Lord Chesterfield said to his son: Be wiser than other ppl if u can; but do not tell them so.
If a person makes a statement that u think is wrong, isn't it better to begin by saying: "Well, now, look, I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let's examine the facts." Sometimes this could make somebody want to admit that they may be wrong too.
Ppl tend to judge. When someone expresses some feeling, attitude, or belief, our tendency is almost immediately to feel "that's right," or "that's stupid," or etc. It's better to understand the statement and try to look from other person's viewpoint before immediately judge it.
In Benjamin Franklin's autobiography, Carnegie found that Ben he made a rule for himself, that he forbade the use of some words such as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. and instead of them, try to use "I conceive", "I apprehend", or "I imagine" a ting to be so or so, or "it so appears to me at present". That's because things can change through times and circumstances.
As King Akhtoi of Egypt gave his son some shrewd advice, advice that is sorely needed today: "Be diplomatic. It will help you gain ur point."
PRINCIPLE 2: Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say "You're wrong."
3. If you're wrong, admit it
Admit our own mistakes could make other person respect to us. So, admit it if you made a mistake.
If a mistake made your team failed to reach a goal, instead of blame somebody in the group, try to look your own self, is there something you did as a team mate that lead ur team failed? Maybe u didn't remind ur team mate, maybe u didn't try to make ur team made understood? Or etc?
Elbert Hubbard was one of the most original authors who ever stirred up a nation, and his stinging sentences often aroused fierce resentment. But Hubbard with his skill for handling ppl frequently turned his enemies into his friends.
For example, he answer this to reader that didn't agree with his article:
Come to think it over, I don't entirely agree with it myself. Not everything I wrote yesterday appeals to me today. I am glad to learn what u think on the subject. The next time u are in the neighborhood u must visit us and we'll get this subject threshed out for all time. So here is a handclasp over the miles, and I am, Your sincerely, Elbert Hubbard.
What could u say to a man who treated u like that?
When we are right, let's try to win ppl gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong—and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves— let's admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.
Sometimes (or maybe most of the times?), fighting just wasting times, instead, admit ur mistakes, and the good will come to u.
PRINCIPLE 3: If u are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. A drop of honey
Instead of arguing, why not try to sit down and take a counsel together, and if we differ from each other, understand why it is that differ. We may find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ a few, and the points on which we agree are many, that if we have the desire to be together, we will get together.
Talk about our problem calmly and coolheaded.
Lincoln said: It is an old true maxim that "a drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall." So with men. If you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend. Therein is a drop of honey which catches his heart, which, say what he will, is the highroad to his reason.
Be gentle and friendly.
The friendly approach and appreciation can make ppl change more readily than all the bluster and storming in the world.
PRINCIPLE 4: Begin in a friendly way.
5. The secret of Socrates
If somebody said seem uninterested or even say "no" to you, try to understand why. Then, you can give your viewpoints that hopefully he would understand. Try to give some argument that can lead him to agree and he could say "yes", "yes".
Socrates, "the gadfly of Athens," was one of the greatest philosophers the world has ever known. He sharply changed the whole curse of human thought; and, he is honored as one of the wisest persuaders who ever influenced this wrangling world.
His technique, now called "Socratic Method" was based upon getting a "yes, yes" response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful yeses. He kept asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.
The Chinese have proverb pregnant with the age-old wisdom of the Orient: "he who treads softly goes far."
PRINCIPLE 5: Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
6. The safety valve in handling complaints
We are not knowing everything. Perhaps most of the times we know so little things.
In a team, let your team mate say his opinion, and give him his chance to speak. Maybe his idea is better, and maybe his idea is the one that your client (or whoever it is that related to ur goals) wanted/agreed.
PRINCIPLE 6: Let the other person do a great deal of talking.
7. How to get cooperation
Be open for advices. If could, ask somebody to give u advices.
After that, do not say their advices/ideas is yours.
PRINCIPLE 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
8. A formula that will work wonders for you
The other ppl may be totally wrong. Do not condemn them.
Try honestly to put urself in his place.
In his book Getting Through to People, Dr. Gerald S. Nirenberg commented: "Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when u show that u consider the other person's ideas and feelings as important as ur own. Starting ur conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of ur conversation, governing what you say by what you would want to hear if u were the listener, and accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to have an open mind to ur ideas."
Carnegie gave one of the cases as example. The case that he was being annoyed by young ppl that made fire in the park near his home (they cook something like egg). They obeyed the sign (the sign stood in an unfrequented part of the park so it was hard to see), and the mounted policemen didn't take his duties too seriously. Instead of giving orders to the young boys, Carnegie tried to say like this:
"Having a good time, boys? What are u going to cook for supper? .... I loved to build fires myself when I was a boy— and still love to. But u know they are very dangerous here in the park. I know you boys don't mean to do any harm, but other boys aren't so careful. They come along and see that you have built a fire; so they built one and don't put it out when they go home and it spreads among the dry leaves and kills the trees. We won't have any trees here at all if we aren't more careful. You could be put in jail for building this fire. But I don't want to be bossy and interfere with ur pleasure. I like to see u enjoy urselves; but won't u please rake all the leaves away from the fire right now—and u'll be careful to cover it with dirt, a lot of dirt, before you leave, won't u? And the next time u want to have some fun, won't u please build ur fire over the hill there in the sandpit? It can't do any harm there .... Thanks so much, boys. Have a good time."
It made the boys want to cooperate. No sullenness, no resentment. They had saved their faces. They felt better and Carnegie felt better because he had handled the situation with consideration for their POV.
PRINCIPLE 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
9. What everybody wants
Carnegie said that three-fourth of people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
One of the examples Carnegie gave in this chapter is a story about Mrs. Norris, a piano teacher who want her student to cut her long fingernails. One day, Mrs. Norris said to her student named Babette, "Babette, you have attractive hands and beautiful fingernails. If you want to play piano as well as you are capable of and as well as you would like to, you would be surprised how much quicker and easier it would be for you, if you would trim your nails shorter. Just thig about it, Okay?" She made a face which was definitely negative. Mrs. Norris also talked to her mother about this situation, again mentioning how lovely her nails were. Another negative reaction. It was obvious that Babette's beautifully manicured bails were important to her.
Mrs. Norris did not say she would refuse to teach a student with long fingernails. She let Babette know that her fingernails were a thing of beauty and it would be a sacrifice to cut them. She implies, "I sympathize with u, I know it won't be easy, but it will pay off in ur better musical development.'"
PRINCIPLE 9: Be sympathetic with other person's ideas and desires.
10. An appeal that everybody likes
People are honest and want to discharge their obligations, only if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright, and fair.
If u want to ask somebody to change/ to do something that affect to you, do not make them feel bad. Say something good about them.
Example: Instead of saying "I don't want their pic published", try to say "You know it's not good for youngsters to get too much publicity."
PRINCIPLE 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.
11. The movies do it. Tv does it.... Why don't you do it?
People attract to drama, as well as movies build with drama, or advertisement show so much happy faces. Dramatization scenes, dramatization script, dramatization copy writing to attract people.
PRINCIPLE 11: Dramatize your ideas.
12. When nothing else works, try this
Frederick Herzberg, one of the great behavioral scientists, concurred. He studied in depth the work attitudes of thousands of people ranging from factory workers to senior executives. What do you think he found to be the most motivating factor? The one facet of the jobs that was most stimulating? Money? Good working conditions? Fringe benefits? No, not anymore of those. The one major factor that motivated ppl was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.
That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his/her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes foot-races and hog-calling and pie-eating contests.
PRINCIPLE 12: Throw down a challenge.
PART FOUR: Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offence of Arousing Resentment
1. If you must find fault, this is the way to begin
It's easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.
Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing.
PRINCIPLE 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. How to criticize.... And not be hated for it
Charles Schwab was passing through one of his steel mills one day, when he came across some of his employees smoking in the no-smoking are. Above their heads was a sign that said "No Smoking." Instead of saying "Can't u read?" Schwab walked over to the men, handed each one a cigar, and said, "I'll appreciate it, boys, if u will smoke these on the outside." The knew that he knew they had broken a rule, and they admired him bcoz he said nothing about it and gave them a little present and made them feel important.
Carnegie also said that it will be better to change the word "but" to "and".
For example, instead of saying "We're really proud of u, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if u had worked harder on ur algebra, the results would have been better," try to say "We're really proud of u, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious effort next term, ur algebra grade can be up with all the others."
Johnnie might feel encouraged until he heard the word "but". He might the question the sincerity of the original praise. To him, the praise seemed only to be a contrived lead-in to a critical inference of failure.
By changing the word to "and", Johnnie would accept the praise bcoz there was no follow-up of an inference of failure. We have called his attention to the behavior we wished to change indirectly and the chances are he will try to live up to our expectations.
Calling attention to one's mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism.
So, an effective way to correct other's mistakes is ....
PRINCIPLE 2: Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly
3. Talk about your own mistakes first
When Dale Carnegie want to criticize his niece he took a minute, and thought, said to himself, "Just a minute, Dale Carnegie, just a minute. You are twice as old as Josephine. U have 1000 times as much business experience. How can u possibly expect her to have ur viewpoint, ur judgement, your initiative-mediocre though they may be? And just a minute, Dale, what were u doing at 19? Remember the asinine mistakes and blunders u made? Remember the time u did this... and that...?
After thinking, Dale Carnegie said to Josephine Carnegie, "You have made a mistake, Josephine, but the Lord knows, it's no worse than many I have made. .... That comes only with experience, and u are better than I was at ur age. .... But don't u think it would have been wiser if u had done so and so?"
It isn't nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of ur faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.
"Naturally, I didn't want David to smoke," Mr. Zerhusen told us, "but his mother and I smoked cigarrettes; we were giving him a bad explained to Dave how I started smoking at about his age and how the nicotine had gotten the irritating my cough was and how he had been after me to give up cigarettes not many years before.
"I didn't exhort him to stop or make threats or warn him about their dangers. All I did was point out how I was hooked on cigarettes and what it had meant to me.
"He thought about it for a while and decided he wouldn't smoke until he had graduated from high school. As the years went by David never did start smoking and has no intention of ever doing so."
PRINCIPLE 3: Talk about ur own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4. No one likes to take orders
Miss Ida Tarbell, the dean of American biographers and wrote Owen D. Young told a story. Owen tend to give suggestions, not orders. Instead of saying "Do this or do that" or "Don't do this or don't do that", Owen prefer to say "You might consider this" or "Do u think that would work?" or "What do u think of this" or "Maybe if we were to phrase it this way it would be better." He always gave ppl the opportunity to do things themselves, he let them learn from their mistakes.
A technique like that gives a person a feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.
PRINCIPLE 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5. Let the other person save face
Ppl tend to ride roughshod over the feelings of others, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing someone in front of others, without considering the hurt to the other person's pride. Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.
Whereas a few minutes' thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person's attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the sting!
PRINCIPLE 5: Let the other person save face.
6. How to spur people on to success
Carnegie saw his friend train his dog by giving meat after the dog show an improvement. He then thought, what if we use this technique to a person? The technique to praise.
In the early 19th century, a young man in London aspired to be a writer. But everything seemed to be against him. He had never been able to attend school more than 4 years. His father had been flung in jail bcoz he couldn't pay his debts, and this young man often knew the pangs of hunger. Finally, he got a job pasting labels on bottles of blacking in a rat-infested warehouse, and he slept at night in a dismal attic room with two other boys—guttersnipes from the slums of London. He had so little confidence in his ability to write that he sneaked out and mailed his first manuscript in the dead of night so nobody would laugh at him. Story after story was refused. Finally the great day came when one was accepted. True, he wasn't paid a shilling for it, but one editor had praised him. One editor had given him recognition. He was so thrilled that he wandered aimlessly around the streets with tears rolling down his cheeks.
The praise, the recognition, that he received through getting one story in print, changed his whole life, for it hadn't been for that encouragement, he might have spent his entire life working in rat-infested factories. The boy's name is Charles Dickens.
Another story came from another boy in London who made his living as a clerk in a dry-goods store. He had to get up at 5 o'clock, sweep out the store, and slave for 14 hours a day. It was sheer drudgery and he despised it. After 2 years, he could stand it no longer, so he got up one morning and tramped 15 miles to talk to his mother. He was frantic. He pleaded with her. He wept. He swore he would kill himself if he had to remain in the shop any longer.
Then he wrote a long, pathetic letter to his old schoolmaster, declaring that he was heartbroken, that he longer wanted to live. His old schoolmaster gave him a little praise and assured him that he really was very intelligent and fitted for finer and offered him a job as a teacher.
That praise change the future of that boy and made a lasting impression on history of English literature. For that boy went on to write innumerable best-selling books and made over a million dollars with his pen. His name: H. G. Wells.
Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement. Ofcourse, the praise must be given in sincere.
PRINCIPLE 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in ur approbation and lavish in ur praise."
7. Give a dog a good name
When Mrs. Ruth Hopkins, a fourth-grade teacher in Brooklyn, New York, looked at class roster the first day of school, her excitement and joy of starting a new term was tinged with anxiety. In her class this year she would have Tommy T., the school's most notorious "bad boy." His third-grade teacher had constantly complained about Tommy to colleagues. He caused serious discipline problems in the class, picked fights with the boys, teased the girls, was fresh to the teacher, and seemed to get worse as he grew older. His only redeeming feature was his ability to learn rapidly and master the school work easily.
Mrs. Hopkins decided to face the "Tommy problem" immediately. Wen she greeted her new students, she made little comments to each of them: "Rose, that's a pretty dress u are wearing," "Alicia, I hear u draw beautifully." When she came to Tommy, she looked him straight in the eyes and said, "Tommy, I understand u are a natural leader. I'm going to depend on you to help me make this class the best class in fourth grade this year." She reinforced this over the first few days by complimenting Tommy on everything he did and commenting on how this showed what a good student he was. With that reputation to live up to, even a 9 yo couldn't let her down—and he didn't.
PRINCIPLE 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Make the fault seem easy to correct
Carnegie once spent a Saturday night with Lowell Thomas, a superb artist in human relations, alongside with his spouse. Carnegie was asked to sit in on a friendly bridge game, and he refused. The game had always been a black mystery to me, No! No!
"Why, dale, it is no trick at all," Lowell replied. "There is nothing to bridge except memory and judgement. You've written articles on memory. Bridge will be a cinch for u. It's right up ur alley."
And presto, almost before Carnegie realized what he was doing, he found himself for the first time at a bridge table. All bcoz he was told he had a natural flair for it and the game was made to seem easy.
PRINCIPLE 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9. Making people glad to do what you want
For example, a friend of Carnegie, Mrs. Ernest Gent of Scarsdale, New York, was troubled by boys running across and destroying her lawn. She tried criticism. She tried coaxing. Neither worked. The she tried giving the worst sinner in the gang a title and a feeling of authority. She made him her "detective" and put him in charge of keeping all trespassers off her lawn. That solved her problem. Her "detective" built a bonfire in the backyard, heated an iron red hot, and threatened to brand any boy who stepped on the lawn.
I myself also thought that this condition once came to me, when a senior, a leader in an organization that I was in, said that he needed me take a position. It somehow made me feel importance.
The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
- Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to urself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
- Know exactly what it is u want the other person to do.
- Be empathetic. Ask urself what is it the other person really wants.
- Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what u suggest.
- Match those benefits to the other person's want.
- When you make ur suggest, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit. We could give a curt order like this: "John, we have a job that should be completed right away. If it is done now, we won't be faced with it later. I am bringing some customers in tomorrow to show our facilities, I would like to show them the stockroom, but it is in poor shape. If u could sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves, and polish the counter, it would make us look efficient and you will have done ur part to provide a good company image."
It is naive to believe u will always get a favorable reaction from other persons when u use these approaches, but the experience of most ppl shows that u are more likely to change attitudes this way by not using these principles—and if u increase ur successes by even a mere 10 percent, u have become 10 percent more effective as a leader than u were before—and that is ur benefit.
PRINCIPLE 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Dale Carnegie How to Win Friends and Influence People in A Nutshell
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
- PRINCIPLE 1: Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.
- PRINCIPLE 2: Give honest and sincere appreciation.
- PRINCIPLE 3: Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Ways to Make People Like You
- PRINCIPLE 1: Become genuinely interested in other ppl.
- PRINCIPLE 2: Smile.
- PRINCIPLE 3: Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound any language.
- PRINCIPLE 5: Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
- PRINCIPLE 6: Make the other feel important and do it sincerely.
How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
- PRINCIPLE 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
- PRINCIPLE 2: Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say "You're wrong."
- PRINCIPLE 3: If u are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
- PRINCIPLE 4: Begin in a friendly way.
- PRINCIPLE 5: Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
- PRINCIPLE 6: Let the other person do a great deal of talking.
- PRINCIPLE 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
- PRINCIPLE 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
- PRINCIPLE 9: Be sympathetic with other person's ideas and desires.
- PRINCIPLE 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.
- PRINCIPLE 11: Dramatize your ideas.
- PRINCIPLE 12: Throw down a challenge.
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offence of Arousing Resentment
- PRINCIPLE 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
- PRINCIPLE 2: Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly
- PRINCIPLE 3: Talk about ur own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
- PRINCIPLE 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
- PRINCIPLE 5: Let the other person save face.
- PRINCIPLE 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in ur approbation and lavish in ur praise."
- PRINCIPLE 7: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
- PRINCIPLE 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
- PRINCIPLE 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
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